KARL MARX: [running up the stairs] more like crapitalism
HENRIETTA MARX: what was that?
KARL MARX: nothing
HENRIETTA MARX: have you cleaned your room yet
KARL MARX: it is the resident of the room who should determine when and with what methods the room should be cleaned
HENRIETTA MARX: just make sure it’s clean before you go out
KARL MARX: ugh
fine
i hope you end up like industrial capitalism
and destroy yourself
HENRIETTA MARX: what was that?
KARL MARX: i hope you end up like industrial capitalism
and are
fine
KARL MARX: [skateboards in to the back of the class]
TEACHER: you’re late
KARL MARX: yeah
sorry
TEACHER: go to the office for a tardy pass
KARL MARX: but i’m already here
if i go to the office i’ll be even later
and miss out on all the learning
TEACHER: go to the office, Karl
KARL MARX: [skateboarding] this is the real class struggle
HENRIETTA MARX: where do you think you’re going
KARL MARX: to my room
to write more poems for Jenny von Westphalen
HENRIETTA MARX: well while you’re up there
you might as well clean the room if you’re going to be doing poems in it
KARL MARX: i’ll do it LATER
HENRIETTA MARX: i left the cleaning supplies outside your door
you’ll do it now
KARL MARX: wow mom
it’s the MEANS of production
not the CRUELS of production
HENRIETTA MARX: either you clean your room
or i’ll do it for you
and the way i clean your room
means you won’t have any bags of marijuana left in it when i’m finished
KARL MARX: WHY DON’T YOU MAKE LIKE THE RULING CLASS IN THE WAKE OF POPULAR UPRISINGS AND GET OFF MY BACK
HENRIETTA MARX: Karl
would you like to explain why i found this in your bag this morning?
KARL MARX: it’s not mine
i swear
HENRIETTA MARX: oh, Karl
it’s CLEARLY your opiates
KARL MARX: no honestly its not
i was holding it for someone else
HENRIETTA MARX: who
KARL MARX: the masses
HENRIETTA MARX: well
i am just going to call every single person in the masses’ mother and see about that
KARL MARX: why cant you just believe me FOR ONCE
HENRIETTA MARX: you expect me to believe you’re holding drugs for the entire masses?
Karl, you have one friend and his name is Friedrich
he has a patchy beard and he drinks all our milk every time he comes over and he never offers to buy any more
KARL MARX: i have other friends
HENRIETTA MARX: “the workers” do not count as friends
KARL MARX: I AM A FRIEND TO EVERY WORKER IN THE WORLD
HENRIETTA MARX: then why didn’t any of them come to your birthday party
KARL MARX: because theyre ALIENATED, MOM
like me
Tags: history, karl marx, teenage dirtbags
Related Posts
Dirtbag Louis XIV
Nobody Knows What Old Newspapers Were Going On About
The Best Presidential Campaign Slogans
That Gay Mount Everest Mail
Unconvincing Hymns of the Temperance Army
“The woman who had already learned to love him fell at once into the snare”: Harriet Beecher Stowe Stuck It To Lord Byron But Good
KARL MARX: because theyre ALIENATED, MOM
like me
AAAAAAHHHHH to the whole last exchange, but particularly this bit.
oh my god oh my god it’s me, I WAS DIRTBAG KARL MARX
We were all Dirtbag Karl Marx.
Comrade Running Dog (my father) was the Irritated Kropotkin to my Dirtbag Marx. Comrade Mom was my Overindulgent Dorothea Day.
Turns out “more like crapitalism” was all I needed to break me out of a reading-room induced fug.
You had me at “more like crapitalism” aaaah
I would buy a t-shirt with this on it, and then I would buy another one
Crapitalism works!
The dig about the birthday party was a bit harsh, Frau Marx.
Karl spent the rest of the afternoon in his room, blasting Mozart out the window and trying not to cry.
Awwwwwwwwwww. That gave me the first generous feeling I’ve had for Marx for, like, decades.
I would prefer a teenage dirtbag Marxist over an Objectivist one any day of the week though.
oh my god and can it be a horror story too we need a singularity
Pretty sure if one of my offspring turned dirtbag Marxist I would call my communist friend, and send the child to meetings with adult communists, and get them a summer job/internship working with labor unions or in ag.
… I was going to say that having a dirtbag Objectivist hang out with other Objectivists wouldn’t make them bearable, but I feel like the above plan might.
Oh my god though dirtbag Ayn Rand plz plz do it Mallory!!!
But, honestly, isn’t plain old Ayn Rand ALREADY Dirtbag Ayn Rand?
“WHY DON’T YOU MAKE LIKE THE RULING CLASS IN THE WAKE OF POPULAR UPRISINGS AND GET OFF MY BACK”
it’s so beautiful
Best one yet.
HENRIETTA MARX: oh, Karl
it’s CLEARLY your opiates
KARL MARX: no honestly its not
i was holding it for someone else
HENRIETTA MARX: who
KARL MARX: the masses
[skateboarding] this is the real class struggle
laughing so hard I’m waking up the 15-year-old still sleeping at noon.
THEY’RE ALIENATED, MOM
Marx looks not unlike Richard Ayoade in this picture.
Revolution – exclamation mark – revolution – exclamation mark – help me – exclamation mark. 123 Cavendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. Yours truly, Karl Marx.
OMG.
nul eins eins acht neun neun neun…acht acht eins neun neun… neun eins eins neun seiben zwei fünf……drei
I have seen that episode so many times I can actually hear the song that goes with it
living in germany for four years finally pays off.
I don’t think anything will ever top this. I didn’t even know my life needed this.
Marx: Awright, Friedie? See that ludicrous display last night?
Engels: What was Bauer thinking, sending Feuerbachian materialism on that early?
Marx: Fing about the Young Hegelians is, they always try an’ walk it in.
Hello IT? your government is corrupt?
HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING IT OFF AND ON AGAIN?
Go back and re-read this in Moss’ voice. And then die, like me.
I re-read it in Moss’s voice and it’s so perfect that I wonder if Mallory was subconsciously influenced by the resemblance and wrote in a particularly Moss-like tone as a result. Paging Dr. Ortberg– TRUE? Y/N
This is perfect in every way. <3
Why do we always think the same thing.
*adds you to list of role models*
I was just adding you to *MY* list of role models!
Im so honored. <3
I am in love. In love.
KARL MARX: Go! Be free! You have nothing to lose but your chains!
HENRIETTA MARX: Karl if you set one of the neighbor’s dogs loose again I’m going to beat your ass until the marks on it wither away even more slowly than the state.
This is my new favorite dirtbag post. All of it but especially the last one.
HENRIETTA MARX: either you clean your room
or i’ll do it for you
and the way i clean your room
means you won’t have any bags of marijuana left in it when i’m finished
Henrietta Marx is clearly the most chill mom ever.
When my dad was fourteen his teachers took a surprisingly tolerant attitude to his habit of writing “Workers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your chains” on tiny pieces of paper, rolling them up, dropping them on the floor and waiting for the revolution to arrive.
They are workers, workers who slave for the state keeping the upper classes in control, they will aid the cause where they can.
Also he was quiet and probably dropped less than five of those a period, that’s totally reasonable in the great calculus of distributing attention to needy students.
Those of us who teach high school have generally learned that there’s really no better cure for budding idealogues than to completely ignore them.
This reminds me of when I wrote the lyrics to a Bad Religion song on the back of some assignment in GA History class. Teacher blew my mind by breaking it down, music-critic style, in red pen. His analysis was actually pretty astute. That pretty much broke my ability to be smugly superior to my elders.
Really wish this had come up two weeks ago when I was teaching Marxism to my summer class… How obnoxious would it be to email them now?
Not obnoxious, merely awesome.
Waiting for the Dirtbag Ayn Rand. 😉
It looks like one of those old lucas arts RPGs
M. Ortberg: A Priceless National Treasure.
Ayn Rand stayed a dirtbag all her life (aka ‘libertarian’), so no need to make up a teenage version
I would do just about anything for a dirtbag Siegfried and a Pussy Riot Brunnhilde.